Can’t Stop Won’t Stop

Thanksgiving had come and black friday was a bit more black than normal. Things had been packed and left in the fastest of fashions. I could feel the winter season coming upon us and with each day I could tell I was going to survive. Each passing day the weight was getting just a little bit lighter and I knew I had this under my belt!

My head was on straight and I could see the road ahead of me. I had to make a plan, I had to clean up what had become such a mess, I had to find me again. Finding me again though wasn’t just about flipping a switch it was really finding what made me tick, what makes me happy, my drive, the real me deep down not just the act.

I have found that when you are putting the puzzle pieces of life back together you can’t question yourself. You have to make a flexible plan and work through it. You have to set priorities and goals large and small. My work drive that I once had needed to come back because I missed it. I missed the crazy pace that I set myself at, I missed the overload of work and pressure that I put on myself. I knew that was still my home and finding and putting myself back in that groove would help drive all of my other changes. It would give me the stability and reassurance I needed to succeed everywhere else.

I started to learn the lines of work and personal. I knew I had to be human but I knew that the nonsense I had to leave at the door or I would find myself right back at square one having to start all over again. I made lists, calendars, to do checklists. I started having more meetings and discussions with my management to help keep me on the course. I was transparent and I could feel the life coming back to me.

I was going, I was moving along. Christmas was coming and I was so excited to feel the happiness and excitement of life back again! I woke up each and every day with a purpose, a goal, and a smile! I never knew that life could be this amazing!!

I knew that I could never let go of this feeling that I had because it was life, it was the life that I had always dreamed of but had always pushed aside for one reason or another.

I couldn’t stop and I wouldn’t stop. I had to keep chugging! I had to keep succeeding! Always remember though that there will be speed bumps…I should have realized!

 

check my pulse

It was madness. It was life. It was my life. It was my madness. It was my madness that I was enduring during the storm of my life.

With each passing week, each session brought something new out; good, bad, ugly, bright, happy, sad, angry; whatever it was, it came and I had to feel it all. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I physically didn’t know if I could hold myself strong.  I didn’t know if my head could hold itself up anymore. Did I have any more tears to give? I swear they didn’t seem to stop.  I didn’t know that my body had so much to produce and push out at any given moment, at any given thought. 

My mind went everywhere. I wrote and wrote and wrote to try to help myself. To get that pen to the paper let me breathe; it helped me try and slow the spinning wheel that felt like it was about to snap off and run wild down the hill and off of a cliff. 

With each passing day I felt weaker and weaker. I felt like I had broken down to almost nothing. I found myself crying for help; begging it to stop. I found that I wasn’t upholding my expectation of myself at work. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think straight, so I stopped trying as hard. I did the basics, I scooted by, I told myself tomorrow; tomorrow will be the day that I can catch back up.  Tomorrow will be the day that I will give it the normal Kaylee all. 

I couldn’t dare tell people at work though. Do you know what they would think of me? Do you know how they would treat me? A divorce! Before the age of 30! With a child! How dare you!! I could see their looks; their eyes. I could think their thoughts. I just couldn’t tell them because this was my struggle, my problem; I can do it all. I’ve got this. 

Then I didn’t have it. The day that I knew I had to talk about it was when my phone kept buzzing from the vibration of blasts of text messages and when I read each word it cut me down a little more, over and over and over again. The tears were coming and I could feel them but I held them in; I couldn’t let myself cry. So, I got back to my desk and I sat down and started in on my emails. The first email was talking about a deadline that was about to not be met, the next was a follow-up email, then an IM from my boss asking me what the heck was going on. Then the massive BOOM of the ultimatum via text and my heart just sunk. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel my pulse. My head threw itself down to my chest and I couldn’t stop crying. It was from that moment on I knew I had to talk out loud and not just in our weekly counseling.  I needed to breathe it out because I was just doing the same ole thing of holding it all in because I thought I was some super woman. Guess what I foundout I am not. 

It didn’t get easier. It still felt just as hard, maybe even harder because now I didn’t have my goto talker. I didn’t have my support system. I had to figure it all out on my own. Every day felt like there was a new problem on the table. I just kept giving of myself and I don’t know how much more of me I had left to give. I kept waiting for my phone to ring or to get a text or for me to even be able to reach out to just talk but I couldn’t. I had to cross this off the list and show it is not the problem, but with each day of proof, my pulse faded. I weakened to where I was starting to not even be able to recognize who I was or who I was becoming. 

The workload was getting larger as I kept not putting all of my effort into it. I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t caring. I was dying inside, maybe I was even already dead just living off of the small last breathes. The holidays were coming and I knew I had to figure it out then because I couldn’t just couldn’t go through those smiling, bright, happy, loving moments like this. I couldn’t ruin everyone else’s life too. 

I need to check my pulse. Somebody check my pulse. Somebody hear me scream. Somebody make this all stop. Somebody make this madness end. Somebody tell me what to do. Somebody please. Just somebody. 

.…..That somebody had to be me…..

 

The madness within the storm of life

The walls are crumbling, the floors are shaking, the tears won’t stop streaming BUT your child needs you; the emails are coming, the meetings continue, the bills still need paid.

While the world was spinning around me and what felt like the madness of that split moment of honesty had gone wild, life still had to endure. I still had to wake up every morning, take care of my son, get my butt to work, and not let anyone know because in my eyes that was weakness.

I am a tank. I am invincible. I can do it all. Yes, I can juggle it. I held in my feelings and emotions for 9 years why couldn’t I continue it now…while at work? Ha! Yes, yes, I laugh at myself! I was delusional!

Counseling. Counseling was the next step. I said my piece and how I felt but now let’s really give this a fighting chance. Let the two of us, as husband and wife, walk into a session and talk it out and listen and learn and by goodness let’s fix this! I thought it would just be a snap of the fingers — work during the day, counseling in the evening, and normal life after that but it is never that clean-cut and quite frankly it just shouldn’t be.

We can’t always just leave it at the door. It follows up. It rides our tails. Work comes home and home goes to work. We process, we analyze, we think, we get angry. So, it is the first counseling session and as I sit there in the lobby waiting my stomach is turning, my head is pounding, and I feel this wetness..what is this on my face. Tears?? Who cries, Kaylee doesn’t cry, why am I crying?  I am tough. I am strong. Oh, I hear the cluck of heels on the stone, oh boy this is it. “Mr and Mrs Brown you can come back with me”. Holy crap, this is real….

The door slowly crept closed behind her as I sat in the small padded chair with a pillow. She asks why we are here and some back story and from that moment on I couldn’t stop crying. We talked, we answered, I cried, we talked more and then session number one was over.

The next morning, as I drove into the office, I thought, I got this; home stays at home. As I sit at my desk going through the emails and emails and one meeting after another I found in a moment that I sat at my desk, took a deep breath, and looked up at a picture on my desk to see my family and started crying again. Immediately, I knew this was going to be a long and emotional journey. In that one 60 minute session the evening before I had answered questions about myself that I had hidden in such a dark, dark spot in the back of my mind so that I didn’t have to relive them, so I could pretend it never happened, or that it didn’t impact me, but as I sat there, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore, that I would have to learn a new life balance and it could no longer include suppression.

The daily chant had to happen … you are human. you are strong. you are weak. you are brave. you will survive. you did it. you can do it. BREATHE.

There is no easy pill, there is no band-aide for life. You must balance, you must feel, you must work through all of those emotions. Those next 2 months of counseling brought it out more and more. It changed me, it helped me become me again. It answered questions. It gave closure.

It was madness. It was life. It was my life. It was my madness. It was my madness that I was enduring during the storm of my life.

TO SELL OR NOT TO SELL

The answer was to sell… the answer ended up being to get the house on the market in less than 30 days!

It was June of 2016, our furnace and A/C went out ((Whoo hoo!!)) so had to do an “emergency” install of a new system ((seeing as it was getting to 100 degrees in the house)). So in the midst of this chaos my realtor and I are chatting and he says we should get it on the market before summer is over to sell before school begins so how about July 1st! What??? In this moment this is when my pre-planning over detail analyzing crazy came out…in the next 30 minutes I had a list written out on what needed to be done then I put that on the calendar to see how fast I could get it done.

July 1st came and went and I knew that I wasn’t going to hit that target but I swore it would get on the market before we stepped foot into the car to leave for vacation mid-July. We ripped out half of the flooring on the first floor, did some spot patching, revamped the whole outside of the house, packing, crazy amazing staging, and the house was live as we pulled out of the drive way to hit the road for vacation!!

That next week of vacation was like little strings pulling at my mind. In that one week we had 12 showings! We came back into town to mad craziness of showings, not being able to come home until late into the evening so that people could view the house, this is no stress free task with a younger child I promise you!

Exactly 1 month after listing the house we received an accepted offer! 30 days later after inspections and back and forth final agreements we signed on the dotted line and had sold our first house!!!

Selling your first house is really like closing a chapter on your life and really makes you think of EVERYTHING. I went through so very many different emotions during this time. The selling of the house wasn’t that emotional as it being the first but it made me think of my time under that roof, the experiences and journeys I had gone through and how I felt. How I perceived my family to feel (my husband and son) and just if it was the best fit.

Honestly … I was tired very very tired of being mad or fake happy more often than not. The weekend before the closing on our house was very busy and very stressful and the Saturday night before closing my emotions just all came out. In that snap of a fingers I could no longer lie to myself or anyone else. What started as a complaint ended up being a full blow out of emotions and me saying I just couldn’t do it anymore…that I wanted a divorce.

In that moment it felt like the beginning of the end.

 

I am back!

Good Morning Everyone! Needless to say I took a little break and it was probably the best thing for me. A LOT has changed since my last post and I am finally starting to feel back on top of the world!

With these changes that I have gone through I have decided that this page and my writing needs a re-vamp as well. Before this page was strictly business but I think it is time to open it up to the nitty gritty real life of a working woman or working person and the dirty secrets of what we really go through.

I have promised myself that in my strive for success I want people to know that I am human, I struggle, and I go through things just like everyone else. I am not perfect and will never be perfect, nor do I ever want to be but I do want to be the best version of myself and that means working through all of the ugly.

What is to come, what has happened…In the past year I have gotten my house ready to be sold, sold my house, moved myself and my son into my parents house, started my son in kindergarten, gone through counseling, filed for divorce, found out some health concerns that require surgery, accepted a new position, gained weight that I had previously lost back, cried, laughed, screamed, and sat silent. It has been crazy but the most amazing crazy.

I can’t wait to share it all and finally open up about it and help myself while helping you and sharing with you!! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!