The walls are crumbling, the floors are shaking, the tears won’t stop streaming BUT your child needs you; the emails are coming, the meetings continue, the bills still need paid.
While the world was spinning around me and what felt like the madness of that split moment of honesty had gone wild, life still had to endure. I still had to wake up every morning, take care of my son, get my butt to work, and not let anyone know because in my eyes that was weakness.
I am a tank. I am invincible. I can do it all. Yes, I can juggle it. I held in my feelings and emotions for 9 years why couldn’t I continue it now…while at work? Ha! Yes, yes, I laugh at myself! I was delusional!
Counseling. Counseling was the next step. I said my piece and how I felt but now let’s really give this a fighting chance. Let the two of us, as husband and wife, walk into a session and talk it out and listen and learn and by goodness let’s fix this! I thought it would just be a snap of the fingers — work during the day, counseling in the evening, and normal life after that but it is never that clean-cut and quite frankly it just shouldn’t be.
We can’t always just leave it at the door. It follows up. It rides our tails. Work comes home and home goes to work. We process, we analyze, we think, we get angry. So, it is the first counseling session and as I sit there in the lobby waiting my stomach is turning, my head is pounding, and I feel this wetness..what is this on my face. Tears?? Who cries, Kaylee doesn’t cry, why am I crying? I am tough. I am strong. Oh, I hear the cluck of heels on the stone, oh boy this is it. “Mr and Mrs Brown you can come back with me”. Holy crap, this is real….
The door slowly crept closed behind her as I sat in the small padded chair with a pillow. She asks why we are here and some back story and from that moment on I couldn’t stop crying. We talked, we answered, I cried, we talked more and then session number one was over.
The next morning, as I drove into the office, I thought, I got this; home stays at home. As I sit at my desk going through the emails and emails and one meeting after another I found in a moment that I sat at my desk, took a deep breath, and looked up at a picture on my desk to see my family and started crying again. Immediately, I knew this was going to be a long and emotional journey. In that one 60 minute session the evening before I had answered questions about myself that I had hidden in such a dark, dark spot in the back of my mind so that I didn’t have to relive them, so I could pretend it never happened, or that it didn’t impact me, but as I sat there, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore, that I would have to learn a new life balance and it could no longer include suppression.
The daily chant had to happen … you are human. you are strong. you are weak. you are brave. you will survive. you did it. you can do it. BREATHE.
There is no easy pill, there is no band-aide for life. You must balance, you must feel, you must work through all of those emotions. Those next 2 months of counseling brought it out more and more. It changed me, it helped me become me again. It answered questions. It gave closure.
It was madness. It was life. It was my life. It was my madness. It was my madness that I was enduring during the storm of my life.